Unmeasurable, Uncompensated

On Wednesday, James and I were being driven to our refinancing by the mortgage guy. We were making conversation, and he mentioned that his wife would probably be getting a big promotion. "That's cool." We said. Then he mentioned the amount of money she'd be getting. My eyes almost popped out of my head. Think big. I figured that she must be getting paid a lot already, to be in the running for such a promotion. Of course, this started me thinking. What would it be like if I brought in that kind of money? Imagine the feeling of pride she must have contributing to the family like that! And their retirement! Their kid's college and weddings, missions...all that stuff...her hard work would make possible. I was impressed. I still am.

I started feeling inadequate. I know. Only a woman would do this...but I started feeling like I was such a drain on the family finances! I mean, I bring in nothing! James makes it, I spend it. Little that we do, as mothers, can be measured. Even at the end of our career when we (hopefully) have good people to show for all our efforts, I imagine we won't even be sure if anything we did even made a difference, or if the kid would have turned out fine under any circumstance. We just can never know. And then the fact that nothing I do can bring in money, or even be measured, started to get under my skin. 'Cause I work hard!

Then I remembered something that James's grandpa Nelson told me once, when I was over at my mother in law's house years ago, folding laundry and complaining with my sister-in-law that it felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything in my life. Grandpa Nelson told us not to worry about it. "You two moms accomplish more just sitting in a chair doing nothing than I'll accomplish in a whole lifetime...because you're moms!"

What he said has come back to my memory many times, and I'm glad it did this time. How do you pay for your child's favorite home cooked meal on a hard day? How can you measure the security and comfort it gives your kids when you cuddle them for a story, or listen with sympathy, or do that one funny thing that can always get them to laugh, that no one else can do? How can you count the value of a fantastic relationship with your grown children? You can't. When Kate catches sight of me out of the corner of her eye and comes crawling as fast as she can toward me with her tongue hanging out, breathing heavy...I know I'm the most important person in the world. I'll just have to wait a little longer for my salary.

My Entrancing Twenty Five...or Six

You know on blogs...how sometimes the blogger will have a "My 100" list? Well, I'm so uninteresting (or so unself-aware) that I could only come up with 25. Here they are.

1. When I hear music I choreograph dances to it in my head.
2. Child stars irritate me.
3. I'm a procrastinator.
4. I'm not a good story teller, however;
5. I'm good at reading out loud.
6. Out of my siblings, "One of these kids is not like the others." And it's me.
7. I'm kind of a restaurant snob.
8. I've never had a cavity.
9. I really really really love hot water.
10. I love breastfeeding...and the boobs that go with it! :0
11. I almost got kidnapped once.
12. The sound of the wind makes me feel hopeless.
13. I'm not funny.
14. I hate confrontation and (almost) always avoid it, except with my husband!
15. I daydream about performing in front of thousands.
16. I'm very old-fashioned, however;
17. I have a definite Rock N Roll side and I think Mick Jagger is totally sexy. (Does that count as two?)
18. I ignore expiration dates on food with reckless abandon.
19. I'm completely offended by commercials for tampons, personal lubricant, douches, and pills for E.D.
20. I've been thrown in jail!
21. I was a terrible student in jr. high and high school, however;
22. I pulled it together and was on the Dean's or President's list every semester in college.
23. Rainy weather makes me happy.
24. I love the smell of baby spit up.
25. I'm good at trivia and dumb at every thing else.

Aren't you just SO glad you read all that?

Are You Angry?

Have you ever been angry at your body? The last three months or so, I've been angry at mine. I was angry at it every time the button on my jeans was tight. I was angry whenever the scale stayed defiantly at the same place. I was angry when I looked at myself in a photo. I was angry at my body when I flipped through Shape magazine. I was angry when I thought about swimsuit season. And then I started thinking; "Maybe my body feels sad that I'm mad at it. Maybe I should appreciate it more. " So I did. I started thinking about all of the things that it does for me. It breathes. It patches up cuts when I'm careless with sharp objects. It makes music. It lets me take care of four babies. It fights various microscopic enemies that I know nothing about. It lets me know when something is wrong.

It helps create life.

So I've decided to look at and treat my body with kindness. When I hang out with my friends, I don't focus on all the things that they lack...I appreciate all the wonderful things that they are! My body is my friend. It does so much for me. I'll appreciate more of the good things about it. When a friend is hurting, I try to give her the support that she needs, not sabotage her with thoughts or words that hurt her worse! In the same way, I'll give my body the things (good nutritious food, exercise) that it needs to serve me better. Do I wish I looked like a Shape model? Sure. But I've decided to focus more on good health so that I can be a strength to my family, and instead, admire and savor the miracle that is my body. Maybe if you've been feeling angry at your body, you could try it too.