I've been living in fear a lot lately. Have you ever immersed yourself in a sorrow that doesn't exist? For example, James left for Denver early this morning. Instead of going back to sleep like a reasonable person, I laid awake thinking "What if his plane goes down?" Then I thought about the sorrow I would go through if he died. I would look at his whiskers in the sink and think "He's never coming back..." Same goes for the clothes in his closet, his grey sweatpants he always puts on at the end of the day. I don't know why I do this. I've done it with each of my children and other members of my family. Does anyone else do this? Why?
With this pregnancy, I can't stop dwelling on the fear that something will go wrong again. What if the baby dies? What if I die? I've even started writing instructions for James in case something happens to me.
Should I try to stop thinking this way? Or does this kind of imagined fear serve some kind of purpose?
Faith is the opposite of fear, so do you just have faith that nothing will happen and refuse to entertain the possibility that something might happen? Hmmm...what a weird post for me.
Kristy
2 comments:
you are so not alone. i've done the exact same thing to the point of crying at nothing that has happened at all. i think we wives and mothers worry excessively, you are not alone. but don't worry! everything will be ok! i worried the most with my 4th pregnancy, although i have not gone through an experience anywhere near what you did. everything will be fine with your beautiful little family! i love this post, i can very much relate to it.
we all fear, I think it is in a woman's nature to have those same worries. I can't tell you how many times nick has been late, and I have imagines he must have wrecked the car and died. Or Isaac's bus is late and I'm sure he's been kidnapped. But I do think we have to do our best in those cases to have faith and not fear. Being pregnant doesn't help with the state of worry either.
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