The Marathon Dorando Pietri Finishes First But is Disqualified Because He was Helped at the Finish.Well here we go. The post we've all been waiting for. I'm in need of advice and help. I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to throw in the homeschooling towel. I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions swirling around in my brain, it's hard to know how to organize them and let you know what it is that I'm really thinking. This year (from last January until now) has been the most difficult for homeschooling, without question. Why has it been so difficult? Hmmm. I don't know, I just know that life isn't working as well as it used to. We are doing the bare minimum in school and we're not even enjoying that. I have to argue with Keller to get schoolwork done every day. The fighting drives me crazy. Housework is not getting done. At all. I don't even have time to eat as evidenced by the fact that I've started a new diet (not really a diet) and you're supposed to eat three meals and two snacks a day. I can barely manage to eat lunch. I'm running from the moment I wake until the moment I sleep and accomplishing nothing. What I want to know is this:
If I quit homeschooling, and put Keller and Ella in public school, will my life get better? Or will it still be as chaotic and out of control? I appeal to EVERYONE who is reading this blog, whether you've commented before or not, whether I know you or not. Whether you homeschool or not. Will I suddenly have large amounts of time in which to iron for crying out loud, or to exercise, or hang pictures on my dang walls, for the love of all that is Holy? Will my children be happier? They need more playtime with friends and as a homeschooling mom, that's one more thing that it's on you to provide, because it's not automatically provided by sending them off to school, and I haven't been providing it in the amount that they need BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO EAT, LET ALONE HAUL FOUR KIDS TO A HOMESCHOOL EVENT. But. And I cannot overstate this. I don't want to quit, just to find that it is no better on the other side!!! Please! If you are reading this, weigh in with your words!!!
I've just come to a place where I'm not sure it's in me to keep going, as much as I would love to. For those of you who know my kids: Does it seem that homeschooling is serving my kids? I'm not looking for compliments, I'm looking for the truth. Do they seem better off for having been homeschooled, worse off, or neither? I started off on the homeschooling path so committed to the idea of a traditional, classical education for my kids. The kind that doesn't exist anymore unless you homeschool. I'd be kissing that goodbye for my kids. That makes me sadder than you can imagine. But sanity is sanity. And a happy home is worth more than a classical education.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not yelling my lungs out every day or anything...it's just that there is an absence of joy that used to be there for all of us. We used to love learning together, and now I've come to resent having to to it at all. Why?
Will life be as crazy or even crazier if I send them to school? What with homework after school and all...will I ever even SEE my kids anymore? I don't want to send them to public school and then just have us all live out our separate lives, disconnected and uninterested in each other. I'm so divided, and I just can't live like this any longer. I either need a miracle in our homeschool lives, or I need to feel fantastic about sending them to public school. Please, PLEASE comment and give me some help.
11 comments:
I've never met you, but I've emailed you before. I understand your frustration. Actually, I started typing a comment and it turned into a book, so I think I'll just email you again with my thoughts. (Hopefully, your email address is the same as it used to be.)
P.S. Just re-read some of your theme posts. They've helped me a lot, so they might help you, too!
I'm not sure what to say, except that I've done public, private and homeschool and there are drawbacks to each of them.
Right now I am homeschooling my 12,9,7,3 year olds and my 16,14 year olds attend private school, at least for another week. I am so looking forward to having them home. Our time will be our time, not scheduled for us by anyone else.
I've only been homeschooling for 1 1/2 years, but I can honestly say that I have developed a much greater relationship with each of my daughters and there is not the tension that used to exist when they were in 'school'. Seems like all I used to do with them then was harp on them to do chores and homework and get to bed. There was no joy, no fun family time. Our after school hours were filled up for us with homework and activities from the school and activities from the Church. Now we have time during the day to just be together without anyone else's expectations of what needs to be done on a daily basis and more often than not, there is joy.
I think it sounds as if your expectations of yourself as a mom and teacher and of them as children might be too much right now, at this point in your lives.
Maybe it's time to just let the academics go for a bit and work on the relationships you have with each other. In TJEd that's called Core Phase. We're still working on it as well, with a few academic ventures thrown in, when we want to.
Good luck with your decision. Ask for the guidance of the Lord. He knows you and them better than anyone.
How hard!!! I for one, have never home-schooled, but I do have similar aged children as you. I have contemplated home-schooling, but then feel like I couldn't do it. I'm a wuss. I feel like you would have more time. I do. When my kids (just 2 of them and one only goes half day) are off track, I feel like we are chaotic after a few weeks, I just run out of ideas for them. I like Kassie's comment above, but she has older children, I think that alone makes a HUGE difference. Hers can probably help the younger kids, whereas you pretty much still have to do the majority of the mothering and the cleaning. So, my advice is, if you have been feeling like you may need a change, maybe you do. It doesn't -by any means- mean that you can't homeschool in the next 6 months if you hate it, or next year, or when Keller is in Jr. High. Your decision doesn't have to permanent.
I feel like you are serving your kids by homeschooling, but only if it's really working for your kids, and YOU. Don't feel guilty for wanting to take a break, you have a baby for the love!!! You are amazing, I'm sure that whatever you decide to do will be the right thing. Loves to you!!!
p.s. I forgot to add, I miss my kids when they're at school. But the break is sometimes a much needed one. Just that 3 hours in the morning with only 2 at home is awesome, they play together and have so much fun, and I shower, and clean my kitchen and play with them....I LOVE it! When my other 2 come home I'm ready to devote all my attention to them!
Oh, Kristy...I'm sorry that you're so frustrated. I have been reading your blog which I have enjoyed immensely (I always have liked an excellent writer!), but I've never commented.
First of all, I commend you for even attempting to home school. I have neither the organizational skills nor the energy to accomplish such a thing. It would drive me crazy to do so. The local public school has worked out really well for Emma and Lizzie. But, I truly think everyone has to do what is best for their own family. And, I think you've done a terrific job at your choice.
I think what you are feeling is the same as any mother feels whether they home school or not. Life often feels chaotic, I often feel overwhelmed as if I am accomplishing nothing. I think that is just the name of the game with young kids. There are a lot of times that I wonder why I am not finding the joy that I seek. But, there are a lot of times when I do find it, too. Sometimes I just fail to notice it.
I think you should do whatever relieves you most. But, don't worry about making a FINAL decision. Whether you decide to continue on with homeschooling (It might get better with a little more time) or send them to public school, it doesn't have to be the FINAL decision. You can always change again if it doesn't feel right.
You are the type of mom that will be involved in teaching your children so much whether you are in charge of their entire curriculum or not. Just remember that you are extremely talented. You are also completely normal to feel the way you do.
I miss seeing you since Tamara left. We should get together sometime...Just one more thing to squeeze in, eh? :) You'll make the right decision.
Julie Keddington
Kristy,
I know you will make the right decision too. I admire your dedication to your family, and with that you can't go wrong, regardless. I'm not qualified to answer your questions as to what should you do, but I have a friend who has many ideas in common with you and is a wonderful and committed parent. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to have her drop in and give her two cents. It will be worth way more than two cents!
I have no idea what to say. I'll start with what my mom would ask: "What did the Lord say?" Oh, that sounds like such a condescending, trite answer, and I am truly sorry. To soften it a little, I know that when you make a decision, the Lord will tell you if it is right for your family or not. For me, with these type of issues, it takes A LOT of prayer, tears, and meditation (and sometimes Priesthood blessings) before I feel sustained in my decision. Don't give up. I know it will come.
Secondly, I have come to realize that regardless of the schooling situation, there are pros and cons. It CANNOT be good for you to be so stressed that you are not eating. What are you...maybe the size of a peanut already. You need to eat and feel that you are basically taking care of your family. The last thing that it good for your children, your husband, and certainly yourself is for you to feel like you are drowning.
Back to the pros and cons: I think that I've been searching for perfection in my children's schooling. That simply does not exist. Regardless of the route you choose, something will be sacrificed (but you know this already). I agree with Jen. Yes, I definitely find it easier to get some of the "busy" tasks of mothering done when my older kids are in school. Running errands with one (even two) is heaven! In fact, I rarely run errands with all of them anymore. And I do feel like I include my younger kids during the day, even when I'm cleaning. Just today I was cleaning the bathrooms when Macy yelled, "I call that I get to do the mirrors." I hadn't even asked her to help, but she volunteered anyway. We all know how well 4-year-olds clean mirrors, and that isn't the point. The point is that I do get precious one-on-one time with her and Paige while Austin is in school.
And no, I do not feel like we are so stressed by getting chores and homework done all day. (Keep in mind that I do not have older children.) This has taken some experimentation and trail-and-error on our part to find a schedule that really works for us. Homework gets done in the morning, so after school is not an issue. Sure, there is an occasional lesson or church assignment, but during the school week, I do my best to keep it pretty open. We have "free time" until 5:30, then a simple chore (emptying the dishwasher, putting folded laundry away, matching socks, picking up toys, etc.), then we eat dinner as a family and have a really enjoyable bedtime routine that includes a lot of reading, some games (Austin likes to "challenge" Greg to chess), sometimes a bath, and I feel like I try to still teach them things that are important to me. I pick out a lot of historical books at the library and we read a lot of poetry. (Please keep in mind that I just described the ideal. It happens this way the majority of the time though. What is that - 51%! haha) While I don't select all of their curriculum, I still try to sneak in things that I want them to learn.
At the same time, I definitely see the pros to homeschooling, and it is always an option that is in the back of my mind. Sometimes, I think it is insanity that I send my kids away from me for the majority of the day to people that may or may not like them, and definitely do not love them like I do or want the best for them the way I do. That doesn't seem to make much sense. So please know how much I admire you for what you've done, and I completely understand how homeschooling is so appealing.
Finally, I agree with everyone else. Just because you make a decision now, doesn't mean that it has to be permanent and set in stone. What is right for now may or may not be right in the near or distant future. I struggle with that as well. I think that is where our faith comes in. I truly believe that if we are living close to Christ, He will let us know when a change needs (or doesn't need) to occur. Also, taking an academic break does sound like a good idea. Maybe that is your answer.
Good luck and know that so many people feel for you and love you and admire you for your dedication to your kids and family - regardless of your decision. You are amazing. I'm glad I know you. And just you being you enriches my life and makes me strive to be a better mother. Thank you!
(Can you imagine what I would have written if I would have known what to say?!? My goodness...I am SOOOOOOOO long winded!) Let us know what you decide.
First off, I LOVE the music on your blog. I may just let it play all day. :)
I don't know your kids, so can't comment on them, but sending them to school wouldn't be the end of the world and as so many have said, it's not a Final decision. But, as a fellow homeschooler, here's my 2 cents, and it could turn into a book, but you asked, so here goes...
We've always homeschooled so I can't tell you what public school is really like, but I can tell you what I *think* it would be like. I think I would hate it. This year I'd have a 2nd grader, Kindergartner, and preschooler. I would go crazy just trying to get out the door in the mornings and then running to and from school at least 3x daily for the different ages. I would watch the clock and not get much accomplished in the meantime. That's how I am right now whenever we have to leave the house at a certain time.
I REALLY love our mornings just being home together. I'm not a morning person and must always hit the ground running too, but I love not being tied to someone else's schedule every day. And throughout the year. We can go on vacation when we want, we control our time a lot more. I love that freedom. And I have the freedom to declare a day off when I need it. So I think that, yes, it would still be chaotic and out of control if they were in school, just in a different way. And I do think that it's easy to lead separate, disconnected lives. I see it in some of my private cello students. I wonder when they actually spend time with their parents.
As another classical-Well-Trained-Mind homeschooler, I completely understand your desire to provide a solid classical education. I have it too. And I think that if my oldest were an only child, it would be a piece of cake to provide that for him. This year (which could be called our 4th as hs'ers) has been the hardest for me as well. I think a lot of it is that it's hard to do "rigorous" for the older ones when you have babies and toddlers in the mix. Everybody's in a different place with different needs and everybody needs you. I think these years are the hardest for mothering, not to mention homeschooling.
As soon as all the children are school age, I think it would be a lot easier to do WTM classical ed. (I think, I'm not there yet and we'd still like to add more children into our mix so it may be a while before I really find out.)
I was really worn down a few weeks ago and did not relish in the least even thinking about school. We muddled through and this week has been good, but maybe you need a break. Not necessarily by sending them to school, but just a break in your routine. If it would help you keep them home, take a month off and rediscover the joy that it sounds like you're missing. Deschool if you will. Don't require anything, except maybe a daily walk just to talk about things. (Although the air quality is atrocious at the moment, exercise helps a ton.) Ask Keller and Ella what they want to learn and do and let them do it for awhile. Go to the library. For fun. And work back up to a good routine again. Set some new good habits and figure out what is fun again.
And this would be terribly hard for me to do because I'm kind of a control freak and I want to follow my WTM schedule and I don't particularly like so-called "child-led" education and I want to be the one in charge, but maybe for a while, that would rekindle something for you. And as you said, a happy home is worth more than a classical education. If you have to give classical ed up for a while to find your sanity, then do it. You can always work back up to that ideal.
As for housework, I hear you on the not getting done. At all. As of last Monday I'm using a MotivatedMoms.com planner. It's not ideal and I have to tweak to make it fit our lives, but it is a starting place. Anything's an improvement over what I was doing. (which was nothing, essentially) Now everybody in the house can see what should be happending each and every day and I'm loving it so far.
This is way too long, and I have more, so I'll email you. Hang in there, decisions like this are not easy but I understand the "I can't live like this any longer" feeling. I was there a few weeks ago. Prayer and time in the temple are a necessity for me at times like those. But then I'm sure you know that. :)
Mandy asked me to look at your blog since I've done both homeschool and public school. I'd love to tell you what I found but it would be more than a comment! If you are interested e-mail me at jennsfriend2@gmail.com and I'll send some thoughts your totally dedicated, frustrated, worried, frazzled way.
I am late on commenting, but what I wanted to say was good job on deciding. I put my kids back in school when we moved 7 years ago and took them out 3 years ago. It was exactly what I needed. I still have 2 of them in PS. It was a great move for everyone. Including me. When I was ready again I pulled them out. Don't feel guilty about your decision. Public schools are not the devil. What you do, with your time with them counts. I hope you still blog. I love it- You inspire me!
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